dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
