id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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