My friends, they love my intelligence
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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