I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
