I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
