Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
