Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
