So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
