His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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