What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
