The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
