If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
