Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
