you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
