Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
