Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
