You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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