lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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