I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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