He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
