I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
