If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
