does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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