As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
