There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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