nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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