what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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