Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
