i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
