I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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