Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
