You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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