Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
