I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
