We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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