Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
