The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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