I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
