You just made me feel so damn special
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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