There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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