dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
