Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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