Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
