And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
