OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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