today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
