Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Randomize
