You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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