i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
