One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
