Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
