I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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