the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
