Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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