Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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