I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
