He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Congratulations! We have a period
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