Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
