Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize