dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
