My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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